My Sense of Humor IS Warped

[irocpractice]

Stolen from a craigs list.

My New Fence


We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,I heard about burglaries
increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, driven 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key,
with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower.
The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the
mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though
I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt
fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a
picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my b*lls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled
downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every
time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical
impulses.

Science says you cannot cr&p, p*e, and nut at the same time.
I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times
in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and
you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just cr*p your pants 3 times.
It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together
it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.
My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about
electric fences... But Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is
now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to
just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'****!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, p@e, j%%z, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die... pleeeeze die'.
But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore
roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot So here I am in the middle of July,
104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day...
He left me there covered in my own fluids to
writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours later.
The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were
two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot
were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a
seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically
induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and s**en when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some
carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't
understand this)
That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more,
and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news is, if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system
will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds
me to triple check before I mow.

[Adaminak]

I'M CRYING!!!!! That is hilarious!

[ofcmarc]

Glad I didn't have a mouthful of coffee......

[blake.clark]

Id just read this and purt near ended up with Skoal all over my keyboard.

[hemi67s]

Oh man that is funny!!!

[slade.clark]

hahaha thats was awesome!

[Gunlovingvet]

Grinning Here.

[oldestof11]

ROTFLMBOACATST!!!!!

(Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Butt Off And Crying At The Same Time)

[Lennix's Mom]

So! after his experience, he better pray that a burglar will come so while watching he can always say: REVENGE TIME!!!

[cincydiesel]

Thanks... I needed a good laugh